February 27, 2026
For those of us on the neurodiversity side of social media, we know that “masking” and “unmasking” are buzzwords and hot topics for the neurodivergent community. And rightfully so! Masking is a common experience for many neurospicy folks, which is why we wanted to join the conversation. Our goal is to offer resources, define masking/unmasking, provide tips for safely unmasking, and help us all reconnect with ourselves!
The Neurodivergence Skills Workbook for Autism and ADHD by Kemp and Mithelson is a great resource in general, but I especially enjoyed their chapter on unmasking. I’m not an affiliate for the book; I just found it really helpful. I will reference the chapter on masking a lot throughout this blog. To be honest, I have forgotten much of my training in MLA and APA citations. I did my best to point you in the direction of the references I used, but it is not properly formatted by any means *gasp,* so please don't judge me for that.
Masking Vs. Unmasking
So…what is masking? Miller, Rees, and Pearson (2021) define masking as “the process of intentionally, or unintentionally, hiding aspects of yourself to avoid harm.” This is obviously a generalized overview of masking, but for this topic, it makes sense because masking is different for everyone.
Masking is not exclusive to neurodivergent people. Neurotypical people may use some level of masking across different environments, groups of people, or contexts. As humans, it is expected that we will adjust our behaviors across different situations. However, neurotypical people usually recognize when it’s necessary to mask and when it’s not, whereas, neurodiverse people often mask across all situations.
Additionally, the conversation surrounding masking is often referring to the experience of low support needs or late-diagnosed individuals because highly masking neurodivergent traits delays their diagnoses. However, masking occurs across all levels of support needs and diagnoses, but the “amount” in which masking occurs will likely vary.
Masking isn’t meant to be tricky, deceptive, or manipulative. The intent is not to harm others but rather to avoid harm to ourselves. As our definition describes, masking may be unintentional, and people that have been masking for most of their life may unknowingly develop complex masking “systems” that happen automatically.
Masking often begins at a young age because at the root of masking is a desire to feel included and avoid harm from others. The types of harm we may avoid include bullying, ableism, exclusion, microaggressions, or stigma (Kemp & Mitchelson, 153, 2024). During or after social interactions, we are likely monitoring our behaviors and how others respond to us and then making adjustments to our behavior that we believe others will accept. Oftentimes, this results in us suppressing our neurodivergent traits, such as stimming, discussing special interests, discussing the struggles we face as a result of our disability, or even mocking ourselves and our neurodivergences.
Unmasking, on the other hand, is about accepting and embracing ourselves and our neurodiversity. It can be easy to think that unmasking is just releasing all of the neurospiciness we have been suppressing to the world, and while that may be part of the unmasking journey, it doesn’t mean much if we still feel scared that doing so will result in judgement or negative reactions from others. Acceptance of ourselves, especially the parts we’ve been hiding, is a vital component.
Additionally, unmasking and masking are not “all or nothing” concepts. There may still be times when masking is necessary, but this process is about learning when masking is necessary and when it’s not.
Pros and Cons of Masking/Unmasking
Masking is a tricky subject because it is so easy to slip into the “black and white” thinking that it is either good or it’s bad. Unfortunately, there is a lot more nuance to masking than that.
For many of us, masking has kept us safe from judgement, allowed us to feel included, and maybe even allowed us opportunities we may not have gotten had we expressed more of our neurodivergent traits. Masking has meant safety.
However, I’m sure you can imagine the mental, emotional, and physical toll constantly monitoring and adjusting our behavior can have on us. Masking is exhausting, and over time, our bodies and minds will become fatigued. Additionally, research suggests that prolonged masking often increases worries about “keeping the act up,” which leads to social and generalized anxiety, depression, lower self-esteem, loneliness even when we’re with others, more headaches, difficulty concentrating, etc. (Kemp & Mitchelson, 154, 2024). We may even feel like we are “losing sight” of who we truly are as we mask to fit in or accommodate others.
As mentioned, the goal of masking is often to find acceptance from others and avoid judgement. Despite our best efforts, our neurodivergent traits will still occasionally make an appearance, and because we’ve been masking, they are usually more noticeable and scrutinized by others (aka the exact response we hoped to avoid; Kemp & Mitchelson, 154, 2024). When this happens, we may try harder to mask, but ultimately, traits will still “slip out” and we are just worsening the effects masking has on us.
Within any type of relationship, masking places an unnecessary, perceived burden of maintaining the relationship on ourselves because we feel like we need to constantly change to accommodate other’s needs or risk ruining the relationship. While we hope that masking brings a sense of belonging, it really just keeps people from truly knowing who we are and often can make us feel more like an outsider (Kemp & Mitchelson, 153, 2024).
There is no good, bad, right, or wrong form of masking. It has served a purpose for you, but the hope is that through unmasking you can find acceptance for yourself and neurodiversity and that masking may not be as necessary for you all the time like it once was!
TIPS FOR UNMASKING
Hopefully, I have outlined a clear picture of masking and the impact it can have on us. As we learn about masking and start to unmask, we may begin to feel shame or disappointment for the impact masking has had on our well-being and relationships. You may even feel frustrated or resentful about all the energy you’ve put forth to mask, especially if it was done for the “benefit of others.” It’s okay to grieve the way things “could have been.” It’s also important to remember that masking has served a purpose for you and that we have believed ourselves to be or have actually been stuck between deciding to be ourselves or face harm (Kemp & Mitchelson, 155, 2024).
If you’re still here, you’re probably wondering how we can unmask. Again, our black and white thinking may lead us to believe that unmasking is simply never adjusting your behavior again, stimming all over the place, and not caring what others think. Sadly, it’s not that easy. We’re still human, and masking still has a time and place.
Unmasking is a process, and a delicate one at that. There isn’t a magical “Unmasking To Do List” that we can check off and be done with. By taking the time to slowly unmask, at a safe pace, we can reconnect with who we are, learn more about our own needs, and rediscover our interests.
Here is an overview of steps you can take to start unmasking!
1. Explore unmasking on your own
This step probably seems confusing since the concept of masking seems to refer to hiding parts of yourself to avoid harm from others and not yourself. However, those of us that have been masking for a long time have probably also been hiding parts of ourselves from ourselves. Again, masking can be unintentional. You may not want to hide parts of yourself at all, especially not from yourself, but it happens.
To begin to unmask and reconnect with yourself, you need to dig deep and examine who you truly are. This may include observable characteristics about yourself, such as your gender, race, religion, etc., but it’s important to also consider your values, your interests, and the real qualities you value about yourself (e.g., your kindness, humor, intellect, quick-wit, etc.). Remember that unmasking is a marathon and not a sprint. You are living the rest of your life with you – the real you! Figuring out who that really is will take some time, but the results will help with unmasking so much. The Neurodivergence Skills Workbook for Autism and ADHD (Kemp and Mitchelson) have some really helpful writing prompts for exploring these areas!
Other ways to explore unmasking on your own is to explore the neurodivergent traits you may be hiding. What are things you wish you could do around others but have been scared to try? This may include stimming, talking about a special interest, discussing your hyperfixations, sharing things that are hard for you (disability or not), engaging in shutdowns, using sensory defenders, etc. You may even think about areas that you would love to have accommodations in but haven’t felt like you can or should ask for them.
Once you determine the neurospicy parts of yourself that may be hiding, try them out! It will probably feel really silly or unnatural at first, but that is okay. During these “trial runs,” the goal is to determine how they make you feel and to find which ones you like or don’t like.
I am still learning how to unmask, but for me, I found it helpful to start with stimming. This wasn’t necessarily a “hidden” trait for me, but when I was evaluating some of my stims, I realized I likely replaced/didn’t even try ones that I thought may lead to ridicule. Instead, I started engaging in other behaviors I didn’t even recognize as stims until recently, such as picking the skin on my face, wiggling my toes/moving my feet, shaking my leg, twirling my hair, etc. These are still stims, and because everyone stims to some degree, these were likely seen as more “normal” to neurotypical people. When I started exploring new and intentional stims, I started small with things like tapping my fingers to my thumb, singing/listening to songs on repeat (like 5-6x in a row), vocal stims, etc. Opening the door to these stims while on my own, helped me stop constantly monitoring what I was doing, allowed new stims to pop up, and I started to feel more confident engaging in these behaviors around my husband.
Obviously, this is just one example of testing our ND traits, and I encourage you to still explore all areas, beyond stimming, on your own. Once you are finding the things that fit and feel good for you, evaluate if there are ones you could share with a trusted person/people. It’s okay if there are things that still feel scary to share! That may mean you just need to explore it on your own more. It’s also okay if you don’t follow these exact mental processes I’m outlining here. For example, you may have tried out some sensory defenders, such as headphones, on your own, liked them, and then find yourself wearing them into a store unintentionally. In this example, you didn’t “evaluate if you were ready to share,” but the fact that it happened naturally and you weren’t scared about it is awesome!
2. Begin unmasking with a trusted person
Once you feel comfortable with one or multiple unmasked traits on your own, you may feel ready to engage in these behaviors around a trusted person or a few trusted people. Luckily, the steps are not much different than exploring them on your own.
As mentioned in Tip #1, it may be helpful to evaluate if there are certain traits you feel more ready to share than others. There’s no magic number here. It may be one. It may be 5. It may be all of them. It really is what you feel comfortable with. Once you have figured this out, the next step would be determining who you want to start unmasking around. Again, the amount of people is totally up to you!
If you feel ready to unmask but are not sure who to start with, it is really important to spend time figuring that out and feeling confident with your decision. Once you discover the relief of unmasking, it can be really tempting to want to dive into the unmasking pool head first. However, with some people, unmasking may also include you sharing your neurodivergent diagnoses with them for the first time. That’s not to say sharing your diagnoses is a bad thing, but you want to make sure it is someone you believe will respond with kindness and care. Otherwise, you may find yourself masking more with others.
Some questions to consider when choosing which people to share with:
1. Do I think this person will respond with kindness, compassion, empathy, etc.?
2. Will this person mock or hurt me if I unmask?
3. Will this person approach my new behaviors with curiosity?
4. Does this person speak about others kindly when they aren’t around? Do I believe they will do the same for me?
5. Would this person adjust their actions if I ask for accommodations (e.g., speaking at a lower volume, engaging in conversations about special interests with me, adjusting lighting, etc.)?
6. What does neurodivergence mean and look like for me? How would I explain that to them?
7. How will I respond to real or perceived threats to me unmasking?
1. Do I think this person will respond with kindness, compassion, empathy, etc.?
2. Will this person mock or hurt me if I unmask?
3. Will this person approach my new behaviors with curiosity?
4. Does this person speak about others kindly when they aren’t around? Do I believe they will do the same for me?
5. Would this person adjust their actions if I ask for accommodations (e.g., speaking at a lower volume, engaging in conversations about special interests with me, adjusting lighting, etc.)?
6. What does neurodivergence mean and look like for me? How would I explain that to them?
7. How will I respond to real or perceived threats to me unmasking?
It can be really easy to go down a rabbit hole of worry and feel like there is no one to unmask around. I can’t say for certain whether that is the case or not, but if you trust someone, feel they will treat you with kindness while you are unmasking, and believe they are open to conversations regarding your neurodiversity and unmasking, then they are probably a great person to start with. There may also be people in your life that don’t know a lot about neurodiversity but you wish to unmask around them. Trust that gut feeling too!
When I started unmasking around my husband, he asked a lot of questions. Some questions, such as “why are you doing that?” or “why are we listening to this song again?” would often give me that immediate gut-reaction that I needed to stop and mask again. However, after a while, I realized he was asking from a place of curiosity and not judgement, and with that perspective, we were able to have more discussions about neurodiversity and how it feels for me.
As mentioned in the questions, it may help to consider how you can handle real or perceived threats to your unmasking journey. Perhaps, people will respond with curiosity, like my husband, but it feels like a sign to mask again. How would you respond? Perhaps, the person you unmask around did not respond as kindly as you hoped. Are they someone that just needs more time, exposure, or knowledge about neurodiversity? Or are they someone that you should not unmask around at this time? The way people respond is not your responsibility and is definitely not a sign to start masking again. They may just not be the right people yet.
I probably speak about this step more lightly than it will actually feel. Truthfully, it can be scary to put yourself out there, especially if you have been masking for a long time, because masking can lead you to believe your true self isn’t good enough or worth sharing, but I promise you that, with the right people, it totally is!
3. Expand to Trusted Groups
If you start with only a few trusted people but want to continue unmasking with more, then the next step would be to expand your unmasking circle to a larger trusted group. This can really look however you want it to! Maybe you have already been unmasking with trusted people individually, so now you start unmasking with them in a group setting. Maybe the few trusted people are part of a larger friend group and you wish to unmask with the other group members individually or in the group setting. Maybe you are ready to unmask with anyone and everyone. Again, it is totally up to you and what you feel comfortable with.
You may wish to revisit the questions from Tip #2 as you consider who else to unmask around, especially how you can or will respond to less-than-ideal responses to your unmasking. Please remember that unkind responses do not mean you need to hide yourself again. This may be someone or a group that needs more time to understand neurodiversity, or they may not be someone you can unmask around.
It can definitely be upsetting if someone or multiple people close to you are not accepting of your neurodiversity and/or unmasking. Maybe they will come around, but it is not your responsibility to try to fix these feelings for them. It is also up to you to determine if they are someone you still wish to spend time with, even if that means masking, or if you wish to decrease time with them so you can confidently continue on your journey of unmasking, self-acceptance, and reconnecting with yourself. As a disclaimer, choosing to continue masking around people you care about does not necessarily detract from this journey because you are in control here. You get to choose what helps or hurts this process!
4. Continue evaluating Situations in Which you can unmask
As I mentioned a few times, masking and unmasking are not all or nothing concepts. There absolutely will be times in which masking to some extent is necessary. As you begin sharing your neurodivergence, you may want to take some time to consider situations you will still need to mask and how much. For example, you may be able to wear headphones and have a fidget when working at your desk at work, but maybe you can’t wear headphones during a meeting.
It is impossible to think of every situation you may encounter but thinking through some examples and having a plan can help you to feel more prepared and confident with masking/unmasking in those situations and in the unexpected ones!
Final Thoughts
Unmasking and reconnecting with yourself isn’t a linear process. You may start unmasking and then find yourself slipping back into old masking habits. You may feel confident unmasking with people you don’t know before the people you do know. There may be some areas you feel great unmasking in, such as asking for accommodations, but struggle in others, such as using sensory defenders or fidgets around friends or family. There is no “right way” to unmask other than doing it in a way and at a pace that is comfortable for you!
Please note that I am not a medical professional or trained therapist/counselor. Unmasking may bring up uncomfortable feelings at any step of the journey. If you are feeling any distress, negative emotions, or hesitation while unmasking, please reach out to a trained professional for help and guidance. Even if you are not feeling distress, help from a professional can be beneficial anyway.
Just as we hope others will be kind and compassionate as we unmask, we need to treat ourselves the same way! We are so glad you are here. We are proud of you, and we love you for who you are!
